Time space warp

Dear Lulu,

It's almost the end of May. It really seems that this month has flown by so fast. Who would have thought that staying at home could be as amusing as being away in the mountains? It's like I am in this bubble, not unlike the bubble your papa  and I had when we found each other. In this new bubble, it's just you and me. Everything fades into the background.

I have been catching up on work lately-preparing for the new school year when I go back to teaching. It's only been a few days but I have to lock myself up in another room away from you just to get some work done. Seeing you just makes me want to drop everything so that we can play all day. I know it sounds crazy and you will probably find it so when you read it 18 years from now but, hey, that's how you make Momma feel.<3

Everyday there is something new about you to discover. This month you have changed so much from a wide-eyed observer to a curious,  active and squirming explorer! You're so interactive now, everyone wants to be on your good side! You really know how to charm people, too!

Every morning, your Papa and I look upon you in your crib, waiting for you to open your eyes.  We never get disappointed because the first thing you do when you wake up and see someone looking in on you, you flash that darling of a smile that really brightens up anyone's day.


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Your nutty grandparents can't get enough of you, either . You always cheer them up by cooing and wiggling about whenever they talk to you. You sure are good in buttering the thundercats! LOL.

Haaaay Lulu, I can go on and on telling you about your wacky, endearing ways as you grow day by day.
Sometimes I just want to hold you and slow you down. Everything feels surreal, like it was only yesterday when we came home from the hospital after I gave birth to you.


This month, you have already learned to flip on to your belly. You can hold your head up now. You were 3 months and 21 days when you surprised us with your flipping skills. It was so funny because you were pushing with your legs, grunting all the way so you could twist your body.Your butt looked quite heavy and I had to give you my pinky so you could hold on to it and use it as leverage. When you got the hang of it, it was all a breeze. Now, you can turn on your left side and your right side. You can hang on to pillows, blankets even the bars of your crib, to help you pull the extra ooomph on your butt. Your papa says you got jujitsu skills , too, since you can move around with one side of you still on the bed.



You have also discovered the wonder of  your own body parts. You now have a habit of snacking on your thumb & other fingers  whenever you feel like it or to help put yourself to sleep. You can also reach your toes and persistently try to put them in your mouth. These antics of yours amuse us onlookers to no end. I can spend the whole day just waiting for you to do  some of your stunts so I can capture them on  camera. I really am a hopeless Mommarazzi now.

You have also learned to grasp at anything within your reach-that includes my hair, your bib, your side pillows and even your Papa's gigantic nose! =) Although you end up drenching everything with drool, I know this is a good sign of your healthy curiosity. You try to learn things from your surroundings using your senses. You look closer, you touch, feel and even taste the world around you!

       

You have an  amazing appetite for learning. You get totally excited when a new object is within your reach to explore. Ever since  we started the reading program, letters written on shirts or paper that come into your field of view catch your attention, as if you can now recognize those oddly-shaped things in print.You also haven't outgrown your fascination for fixtures- Mr. Fan-fan and Mr. Chandelier still hold your interest.

One thing that I can't get over is  how you love being sung to.You stop being fussy at the sound of a familiar tune. Your favorite lullaby going to sleep is "Ikaw" followed by "Tanging Yaman" and lately, "Ikaw Lamang ang aking Iibigin Magpakailanman". You calm down when we play songs from your playlist  of Baby Mozart-the same one I let you listen to when you were still inside my womb. Sometimes , you try to "sing along" by cooing or grunting. At other times, you take-over the singing  and actually keep me from opening my mouth!

These summer days have afforded me the luxury of being a full-time mom, at least, for a while. There are so many things about you I have yet to know and discover. I dread the day when I have to leave you in the morning, still asleep.  I dread the moment you'll seek your yaya's presence more than mine. That is why I savor every minute I have left for this vacation to laugh, play, sing and just be a kid again- with you.

There is a joy in my heart I cannot explain and one that I have never experienced before. For one who has been in pursuit of life's pleasures, this inexplicable emotion baffles me because I've always thought the most thrilling moments could be found when you venture away from your comfort zone. Now, seemingly mundane things bring pleasure, simply because I do them for you. I'm learning how to be a child again- always trusting, truly mirthful and believing  once more that anything is possible. You have give me that, my dear.

I look forward to the days, months and years I will spend with you. Your absolute faith in my capability to take care of you has given me the inspiration to be a better version of me.




I pray I can be the mom you'll want to be best-friends with. I hope you'll learn to love me the way I love you.You are truly, heaven-sent,

Summer is almost over and matters of consequence have to be dealt with. I cannot hold off reality any longer. The world calls and I have to step out of our bubble in a while. Yet I have my first summer with you to cherish- a summer of many firsts with you. <3

Summer is almost over, my little Lulu, but there is eternal sunshine in my heart because you are here.

                         

SUMMER LOVIN'

Dear Lulu,

Mama was born in summer. I would like to think that this is one of the reasons why I am characteristically cheerful.  I love summer- the blue skies, the bright sun-kissed mornings and the beach trips.

easter bunny

This year, there is one more reason for me to love it-getting to spend time with you!
It seems so cliche! Yet, I have realized that almost everything takes on a new meaning because of motherhood.

It will be a very busy  academic year for me this 2012-2013. I have studies to finish, papers to present, lesson plans to update, Master's track to plan-the whole gamut! I have finally come to terms with the fact that there is nowhere else I'd rather be than here  in the Philippines , no other place I want to work in but in UP. I am home and I know I am in my element here.

The Oblation Statue at the end of the University Avenue
University of the Philippines, Diliman

That is why, my love, I am gearing everything for our future towards living, thriving here, in the land of our birth. There is no better place to raise you, Lulu.

This is the last summer when I can indulgently choose not to work nor study.This is the first summer of your life. I don't want to miss it for the world.

Everyday brings a new revelation about your nature. Each moment I spend with you, I rediscover the simple joys of getting to know the world.

When you were inside me, the only thing I asked from God was to keep you alive until I bring you out in this world. I never asked for a cute baby, I did not ask for a child who is not fussy or colicky.  I just wanted you to survive, despite my many complications.

I am ever thankful that you are so much more than I asked for.


You're a cheerful baby.
You're very sociable.
You're easy to take care of because you rarely cry.(unless you're hungry!)


You seem like an old soul because there's something about you that makes me feel you already understand how I feel.


You're so quirky  and you possess so much personality. I never get tired of taking pictures of you  and looking at them.


A couple of days I go, I was looking through my files and came upon the pictures of you I compiled since you were born. How time flies! It seems like yesterday when we were just feeding you with a syringe! Though, there was never a moment when you seemed frail or small, you really stirred fierce protectiveness in both your Papa and me.  We even had these crazy, paranoid thoughts that we would accidentally drop you while we were holding you!!

Oh Lulu, you've been changing us and our lives ever since you came!  Before you were born, summer meant escapades, adventures and partying.  There was never a summer when I did not leave Manila for a vacation. I always felt caged when I had to stay for a period of time at home. For some reason, the coming of summer always made me more carefree, living and loving life with absolute abandon.


When I found out I was pregnant with you and was going through those stages of ambivalence, the first thing that crossed my mind was : OUR LIVES ARE GONNA CHANGE. No more random trips, no more carefree lifestyle, no more adventures. I did not know how to feel about that, then. Initially,  I was anticipating these restrictions and felt a bit sad because I had more adventures to pursue in my mind.
On the other hand,I felt guilty for feeling that way, being so selfish and ungrateful with your gift of life in my belly. 




THEN YOU CAME.

 AND EVERYTHING  FADED INTO THE BACKGROUND.


Now, there is nothing I'd rather do than spend the day with you. When I have to leave, I can't wait to get home just to hold you. It's crazy but I can smell you even in my sleep!

Nothing gives me more pleasure now than anticipating your needs and satisfying them.
Then again, the only thing that agitates you is the rumbling of your belly!

I feel that the outside is world is a far away place and I would rather stay here in our cocoon watching you eat, sleep and grow.

I have so much love for you inside me that I am able to make up songs as I go through our daily routine. We now have a bath song, a sleeping song, a drinky-drinky  song, a poopoo time song and even a stare-at-the-ceiling song.

I never grow tired of singing to you, making you laugh, hugging you.

YOU ARE MY PRIDE AND JOY.

I am thankful for this long stretch of summer when I am free to be at home with you, getting to know your personality, discovering your different idiosyncracies, tracking your growth and being your mama.

Looking at you now, as you sleep, I know somehow you are a child of summer, too. You bring  us so much sunshine, like the moon that you are. (absorbing all the light and shining it down on the world). I feel now that the fears of giving-up my adventures are totally unfounded.

Having you in my life IS the adventure.

I am looking forward to the days, months, years that I will share with you.
 There's a whole wide world waiting to be explored,
a whole lot of hidden pleasures to be discovered and
your whole life to be celebrated.

So let's have this summer together, get to know each other, get to know the world and bond like crazy!

I am right where I want to be- right here with you.

Love,

your summer Momma

Easter Christening

April 8, 2012

Dear Luna,

Happy Christening, Darling!

Truth be told, we weren't planning on having you baptized so soon.

Yet it seemed like God was making it possible for us to have your Easter Christening!

At first, it was difficult finding a Church that was available to hold baptismal rites on Easter Sunday. We were supposed to have it at The Parish of the Holy Sacrifice

in UP or the Parish of Sta.Maria dela Strada along Katipunan. They were fully booked for special christenings. We looked for nearby churches but they either had mass baptisms or were fully booked for special ones.

Finally, we considered St. Peter's Parish which was along Commonwealth Avenue. This Church was big and usually crowded on Sundays. We found out they held special christenings and had a

baptistry outside the main hall . We immediately booked Easter Sunday at 3:30 pm just for you. =)

One other problem was where to get the money to fund the reception. =(

We wanted it to be a real celebration because you are such a blessing to us so we were actually thinking of postponing your baptism just so we can save enough for a nice venue. Unexpectedly, your Papa Ed and I received a blessing and then we found the perfect place for a Princess like

you!

Stacy's (http://www.facebook.com/stacys.resto) had that feel we were looking for. We were able to talk to the owners of the place and they helped us conceptualize an Easter Christening party just for you.

They were to take care of all the preparations and the venue rental was free. In the end, we agreed upon the arrangements and the cost (Don't ask! Let me just say that you are worth it!).

Finally we had cupcake souvenirs for your 20 Ninongs & Ninangs 70 sugar cookie souvenirs for all your guests a large dessert table full of awesome goodies a special personalized banner

and Easter decor for you Easter Christening. We were so excited preparing for your big day!

We weren't able to invite everyone, though because of our limited budget. =( We plan to have them over once you turn a year old, that's a promise!

Anyway, on your big day, you were radiant and wonderful. I was so proud of you!You kept answering the priest while he was administering the rites as if you wanted him to hurry up! Near the end, you gave up convincing him and cried-out of hunger, of course!You're such a characteristically happy baby ,that's the only thing that makes you cry.

At the reception, we were blown away. It was a perfect place for a perfect Easter Christening. Just one look at the dessert table and the personalized banner and I knew we didn't go wrong.

And you were such a star! Everyone wanted to have their picture taken with you!

I left you for two minutes and everyone passed you around for a photo, that's why you eventually fell asleep while I was carrying you!

It was a small celebration with family and friends.We just wanted to celebrate you as best as we could. You really are a blessing to us.

You are now officially a Christian!

Papa Ed and I will pray we would be able to raise you well so you would be a person who trusts the Lord and has a personal relationship with him. We hope your 10 ninongs and 10 ninangs will be good examples to you when you grow up, in their own unique ways. We didn't choose them for their gift-giving capacity, mind you! We chose them for their principles, their concern for you and for their good hearts. Only the best influences for an extra-special baby like you!

You know, one of the many changes in our lives when you came is this renewed desire to re-affirm our faith. We have been worldly for a long time but now that you are here, your Papa and I are striving to be better people, better Christians so we would be living examples of faith to you.

Happy Christening Luna, my love. May God bless you as he has blessed us the moment you came into our lives.

Love,

Mama

On the day you were born

1-12-2012

6:16 am

It’s the break of dawn. A new dawn. A new life.

Later today, I will be a mother.

I don’t quite know what to expect. There are so many thoughts running through my head. Flashbacks and fast forwards, they all seem warped together with a big inexplicable feeling of not knowing what to expect.

I have never really thought much about motherhood until sometime in late August when my pregnancy test kit yielded two distinct lines. Even then, I couldn’t believe it was happening. Getting a ultrasound and finding out how oblivious I’ve been for 5 months did not even diminish the surreal feeling of it all. There was someone inside me kicking with such a life force and already exhibiting a certain kind of personality when she appeared to point a finger at her dad inside my womb that first glimpse of her through sonic technology.

Late as it was, it took me a few days to fully acknowledge the fact that I had a life growing in my belly. I could feel her moving about and it amazed me how I could not have known before. There she was, a brave, strong little girl who clung to me when I was carelessly engaging in strenuous activities. She’s been with me when I biked uphill the Wall in Montalban. She was already there when I played Touch football every week. Even when I was still grappling with someone in Judo club, and she ended on top of me, the baby seemed to stand her ground. How can you not be in awe with such a life force?

Later on, I found out I had a lump on my left thyroid, causing my sudden palpitations in class. We had to have it checked to know if it was benign or malignant. When the doctor told me that it might eventually come to a point of choosing between my life and the baby’s, it felt like something was tearing up inside me. Although we were still waiting for the result and there was no basis yet to conclude anything, just the thought, that, after tenaciously cleaning on to life inside my belly unbeknownst to me, it would come to a point when she will be lost –scared the life out of me.

“You have clung to me for so long, I will fight to the death for you”- is what I thought then. And I knew I was ready to be a mother.

This baby, honestly, was unexpected. We were not planning on having a child yet until 

next year. Yet she came so sneakily , shas been changing our lives ever since.

Today, I will finally meet her- my brave strong, and I know, beautiful little Luna. My heart is already overflowing with love and I can’t wait to hold her in my arms for she is mine. And Ed’s. and God’s.

They say you won’t ever know how to be a mother until you become one. I never really understood it. Perhaps I won’t ever, until the time I look back on this day. I don’t even have a plan. Ed and I have all these ideas. Nothing is really certain but this: we will make sure this child will grow up knowing she is loved.

At 11:00 am today, they will cut me open and bring Luna into this wild, wild world. I’ve always wanted to deliver my baby normally but yet again, God is showing me that not everything will go according to my plan. I would just have to trust Him on this.

I have never been in surgery as a patient. I have been inside countless ORs, witnessed and assisted surgical procedures, served as a watcher for relatives after their operation but I have never thought I would ever be under the knife-even in childbirth. I come as a neophyte on that table- just one of the myriad of bodies everyday entrusting their lives to a professional for a better future.Thankfully though, one of the professionals is a sorority sister of mine, and I trust her completely. I cannot say I am unfazed, though, because I am scared-of not being in control, of being a specimen on the table, of not knowing what comes after.

Yet in these things, I am learning to let go and let God take the reins. I have been blessed with life, love and happiness more than I know I deserve and He has never failed me. I have always failed myself- in my pride, my search for meaning, my stubbornness. So for this operation, I entrust myself to a power way beyond me- for my life, for my child’s life and for the future.

After this? I don’t know.

There is a whole landscape of “future” waiting for me, waiting for Luna and waiting for our little family.

I know there are a lot of things I need to let go, a lot of “me” I have to give up freely.

I honestly cannot say I am ready for all those things and my mind turns over pages of the past-blank pages that I have yet to write on in my timeline-unpursued adventures, unfulfilled dreams, unvisited places.

Yet I know, the new chapter I am working on will be filled with a different sort of wonder.

I find that I am as excited to embark on this journey in nurturing a new life as I am in trudging off to the mountains or scuba-diving in the sea. Both are filled with promises of both unexpected perils and life-changing experiences and I cannot wait to take them on.

The sun is out. I have a view of the sky from my window. The city is starting to stir to life and Luna bear is restless in my tummy.

It’s a bright new day-perfect for welcoming my little moon- who will probably soak up all the sunshine from her well-wishers.

Later, I will be in twilight.

I am hoping when I wake, I will have gaze upon a ray of moonshine, from that little heavenly body I can call my own.

See you on the other side!