On the day you were born

1-12-2012

6:16 am

It’s the break of dawn. A new dawn. A new life.

Later today, I will be a mother.

I don’t quite know what to expect. There are so many thoughts running through my head. Flashbacks and fast forwards, they all seem warped together with a big inexplicable feeling of not knowing what to expect.

I have never really thought much about motherhood until sometime in late August when my pregnancy test kit yielded two distinct lines. Even then, I couldn’t believe it was happening. Getting a ultrasound and finding out how oblivious I’ve been for 5 months did not even diminish the surreal feeling of it all. There was someone inside me kicking with such a life force and already exhibiting a certain kind of personality when she appeared to point a finger at her dad inside my womb that first glimpse of her through sonic technology.

Late as it was, it took me a few days to fully acknowledge the fact that I had a life growing in my belly. I could feel her moving about and it amazed me how I could not have known before. There she was, a brave, strong little girl who clung to me when I was carelessly engaging in strenuous activities. She’s been with me when I biked uphill the Wall in Montalban. She was already there when I played Touch football every week. Even when I was still grappling with someone in Judo club, and she ended on top of me, the baby seemed to stand her ground. How can you not be in awe with such a life force?

Later on, I found out I had a lump on my left thyroid, causing my sudden palpitations in class. We had to have it checked to know if it was benign or malignant. When the doctor told me that it might eventually come to a point of choosing between my life and the baby’s, it felt like something was tearing up inside me. Although we were still waiting for the result and there was no basis yet to conclude anything, just the thought, that, after tenaciously cleaning on to life inside my belly unbeknownst to me, it would come to a point when she will be lost –scared the life out of me.

“You have clung to me for so long, I will fight to the death for you”- is what I thought then. And I knew I was ready to be a mother.

This baby, honestly, was unexpected. We were not planning on having a child yet until 

next year. Yet she came so sneakily , shas been changing our lives ever since.

Today, I will finally meet her- my brave strong, and I know, beautiful little Luna. My heart is already overflowing with love and I can’t wait to hold her in my arms for she is mine. And Ed’s. and God’s.

They say you won’t ever know how to be a mother until you become one. I never really understood it. Perhaps I won’t ever, until the time I look back on this day. I don’t even have a plan. Ed and I have all these ideas. Nothing is really certain but this: we will make sure this child will grow up knowing she is loved.

At 11:00 am today, they will cut me open and bring Luna into this wild, wild world. I’ve always wanted to deliver my baby normally but yet again, God is showing me that not everything will go according to my plan. I would just have to trust Him on this.

I have never been in surgery as a patient. I have been inside countless ORs, witnessed and assisted surgical procedures, served as a watcher for relatives after their operation but I have never thought I would ever be under the knife-even in childbirth. I come as a neophyte on that table- just one of the myriad of bodies everyday entrusting their lives to a professional for a better future.Thankfully though, one of the professionals is a sorority sister of mine, and I trust her completely. I cannot say I am unfazed, though, because I am scared-of not being in control, of being a specimen on the table, of not knowing what comes after.

Yet in these things, I am learning to let go and let God take the reins. I have been blessed with life, love and happiness more than I know I deserve and He has never failed me. I have always failed myself- in my pride, my search for meaning, my stubbornness. So for this operation, I entrust myself to a power way beyond me- for my life, for my child’s life and for the future.

After this? I don’t know.

There is a whole landscape of “future” waiting for me, waiting for Luna and waiting for our little family.

I know there are a lot of things I need to let go, a lot of “me” I have to give up freely.

I honestly cannot say I am ready for all those things and my mind turns over pages of the past-blank pages that I have yet to write on in my timeline-unpursued adventures, unfulfilled dreams, unvisited places.

Yet I know, the new chapter I am working on will be filled with a different sort of wonder.

I find that I am as excited to embark on this journey in nurturing a new life as I am in trudging off to the mountains or scuba-diving in the sea. Both are filled with promises of both unexpected perils and life-changing experiences and I cannot wait to take them on.

The sun is out. I have a view of the sky from my window. The city is starting to stir to life and Luna bear is restless in my tummy.

It’s a bright new day-perfect for welcoming my little moon- who will probably soak up all the sunshine from her well-wishers.

Later, I will be in twilight.

I am hoping when I wake, I will have gaze upon a ray of moonshine, from that little heavenly body I can call my own.

See you on the other side!